Bad Dates 101

I started to put this post up a few months back, but then I took it down because I thought, what if the guy that I'm seeing (at the time) sees this and knows that I am blasting him? But that's long done, and I was just reading fmylife.com and looking at some bad dates people put up there, so I thought this might be entertaining.

Basically after I broke up with my college bf of a year and a half (on and off), I went on a crapload of bad dates. That was in the beginning of 2006 (actually it was January and I remember this because the ex-bf had bought me tickets to a Bon Jovi concert for Christmas and then called me in January right before the concert after I broke up with him and asked me if he could get the tickets back because someone was going to pay him "like a million bucks" for the tickets (I'm so sure). I said, sure I'd love to give that gift that you gave me back to you, despite the fact that I am asking nothing in return from you. Since they were e-tickets, I basically just had to not use them. After a few glasses of wine, my roommates and I were plotting whether or not we should just take the tickets, go to the show like 2 hours before it starts and get in before him. But we rose above that somehow)..anyway what I was saying was it was the beginning of 2006 that my bad dates started accumulating. These are their stories. DUN DUN


The Old Guy
I can't remember where Meg and I met these guys...it might have been Front Page. But the two of us were out and started chatting with these two guys. I ended up exchanging numbers with one of them and low and behold he actually called. He wasn't that cute, but he was kind of interesting, was a JAG lawyer, and we had a good phone convo so we decided it would be nice to go out to dinner. At this point I had pegged him at maybe 27, which was fine, I was 22. We went out for tapas (which I hate. I like to have my plate and I eat off it and you have your plate and you eat off it). During our conversation of "getting to know each other" he started talking about his siblings.
me: oh how many siblings do you have?
old guy: 2 brothers. My youngest brother, he's 31, just got married, so I just got to see the whole family recently.
me: (choking on my sangria) Um I'm sorry did you just say your YOUNGEST brother was 31?
old guy: yeah.
me: oh.

So obviously I went out for one more date with him, and then gave him a call (actually I texted haha) saying that I think I need to be with people my own age.

Not that bad of a date, but I realized I am an awful judge of age.

Mr. Commitment
I met this guy at a bar where my friend's band was playing, exchanged numbers, and, again, this guy called. We ended up going to a microbrewery. I'm all about drinks on the first date, but a microbrewery? Ew. And we were going there for dinner. I felt like it was the equivalent of going to Fridays. So we get there and they said, 40 minute wait for a table, or you can just sit at the bar. This guy says, That'd be GREAT! So we head over to the bar and join all the other unwashed masses that make up Arlington, VA. He proceeds to tell me all about his time in the Secret Service and how he's commencing to the next level in a week. His aunt and uncle are coming to town for it. Do I want to go?

RED FLAG. Mr. Commitment, you are no friend of mine. I haven't even finished my beer and you are asking me these things while I have a 300 pound, loud, GROSS woman sitting on the other side of me? See ya.

Case of the Con Queso
I met this guys through a friend. She worked with him at a company that lobbies for the legalization of pot. I kind of knew from the beginning this wasn't going to work out, but I had nothing else going on so I thought, why not? He tells me he's going to be in the area that I worked on Thursday, so let's meet up for dinner, he knows a great Mexican place. Perfect. I love Mexican. At 4pm he calls and says, hey I have to swing by my parents place before hand, so do you want to meet at 7. I said that sounds fine, I'll go out for some drinks with work people and then meet you. So I go out, have a few drinks, then start walking over to the restaurant. He calls at 7:02 asking where I am. I said I'll be there in a hot second. Red Flag number 1.

I get there, STARVING, since I haven't eaten noon and I've never been the girl that is afraid to eat on a date. So I rock up, we get seated and the waiter brings us our menus. I look and say oh man, is there anything that's really good here that you would recommend?
con caso: Well the Con Queso is awesome
me: oh ok cool, so do you want to get that as a starter then?
cc: well, the thing is, I kind of already ate (RED FLAG 2!)
me: um...what?
cc: yeah my parents guilted me into it. sorry. (RED FLAG 3!! - clearly some sort of mother issue)
me: um. ok but this was supposed to be dinner right?
cc: yeah. but I mean, if you want to get something, like the con queso or whatever, that's totally cool.
me: riiiight. ok...waiter? yes, we're going to need some more drinks

So that's what I had for dinner: con queso - which was actually NOT good! It was a 2 centimeter layer of hard congealed cheese on the bottom of a bowl with like 5 tostitos - and several Coronas.

"That couple" guy
I have this theory that people who peak early in life often suffer later because they never had to develop a good personality. Obviously this is a blanket statement so there are exceptions. But typically if you peak later, you have to develop a good personality to get by on, since in high school (or early in life) you didn't really have the full package yet. I met the ultimate early peaker. He was good looking, yes, but the most self involved person I've ever met (therefore making him hideous).

We went out for the worst date ever. The first 45 minutes were spent with him arguing with two guys at the table next to us about something Scots vs Brits or something...I don't even know. I actually turned to the people at the table on the other side and asked if I was on a candid camera program because the scene was so unbelievable. I was about to get up and walk out, when the date tapped me and said ok GIRLFRIEND (AHHH!!! Not the G word!!) let's go to the next bar. Ughh...ok so we walk over the next bar where he proceeds to tell me several things after I say, "BTW, I'm a bit of a commitmentphobe, so you are going to have to be patient with me." In his world the following things were appropriate to say after that:
"I'm going to Australia in August (it was June). Do you want to come with me and visit my family?"
"Would you ever move to Australia for me?"
"Next time you wear that grey cardigan, you should tell me because I have one that looks just like it, and we could match."

This one set me off.
me: "Noo..that's really retarded"
him: "oh come on! it will be funny! We could be that couple that people hate!"
me: "I don't want people to hate me. I like when people like me."
him: "oh we are totally hot enough for it! All the guys will want you to dump me and all the girls will want me to dump you. It will be perfect."
me: "I don't think ANYONE is hot enough for that. I think you are a bit confused as to who I am."

Ugh. Awful!! I think my friends and I could write a book. I can't wait for several more years of this.